I've always been fascinated by comics and sequential art, but until recently, never took the time to get into it. It's been one of those things I've looked at for a long time as something I might enjoy, yet I just never got around to really fleshing out the interest. Now, at the ripe old age of 18, I've finally managed to buy a handful of comics, all discounted. Predictably, my love for the absurd, the obscure, and the surreal has carried over. While I was shopping for comics I bought about 15 #1 issues for strange and unheard of heroes, most of them published by comic book companies which are also strange and unheard of. For the benefit of mankind and to get my jollies, I've decided to review them, and the first comic in the stack is Stealth Squad.
Stealth Squad tells the story of "A TIME OF GREAT DARKNESS IN AMERICA" where everyone is dying from a horrible blood disease. Apparently, one man found a cure for the disease called "ENERGIZED BLOOD." Everyone was cured, and a few people got super powers. The government assembled them together to form a super secret "ELITE STRIKEFORCE" known as the Stealth Squad. At least, that's what the first page says. Look, I'm gonna be honest with you, I haven't read very many comic books, but I have read enough books to know that the exposition to this comic is clumsy and haphazard. We're told as an audience that "energized blood" saved the human race from a horrible disease... and that's it. We're told nothing else about the "energized blood" in the whole comic, despite the fact that according to the 1st page it has everything to do with why there are super heroes (and why the human race didn't go extinct). It doesn't tell you what it is, how it's made, or anything like that. Now that I think about it, it doesn't even give a name to the god damn disease that got cured. Also... there... are.. so... many... ellipses. The first page contains five two-to-three sentence paragraphs, each one containing ellipses, the last one containing four.
The comic begins at a warehouse in Colorado Springs, which an omniscient narrator tells us in the first panel is a secret government armory that houses experimental "SUPERWEAPONS." There are US Army men patrolling the perimeter of the building, all dressed in desert camouflage to blend in with the harsh environment of Colorado Springs.
Suddenly the warehouse is attacked by a group of metal-armored high-tech Master Chiefs, who call themselves "STRIKEFORCE CHAMPION."
I know that sounds completely stupid, and to a lot of people I know things like this represent what helped create the notorious Dark Age; I know that to many people this kind of heavy-handed and overstated "this book is super extreme!!!" thing is the absolute epitome of bad writing in comic books. I promise though, "Stealth Squad," as innocent as it seems a name in theory, it turns out to be much, much more stupid than Strikeforce Champion in practice; I'll touch on that a bit more at the end of the comic.
Naturally Stealth Squad received word of this operation (probably from the writer of the comic) and arrives to intercept it, flying to the scene in the Blackbird from X-Men.
One of the lackeys of Stikeforce Champion remarks to his commanding officer that their unit is "an unbeatable fighting force" for no apparent reason, and somebody off panel says, "Ooh, I love a confident man!!" This incredibly clever retort is of course the note our heroes have entered on, and on the next page we get to turn the comic on its side for a landscape spread of the titular squad.
The sinister Mr.Champion watches the events unfold from his control chamber full of monitors and high tech computer equipment. He tells the Squad Leader of Strikeforce Champion that "SANCTION RED" is authorized, and to terminate the Stealth Squad with "extreme prejudice". In the next panel, a soldier who is clearly not the same guy that was the squad leader a page ago repeats the order to his squad, and the Strikeforce, presumably just now realized they had guns again, all open fire into nowhere with all the extreme prejudice of that scene of Predator. In the action-packed fight scene that follows we are introduced to the members of the team.
Fire Flare, who can fly and shoot fire at her enemies, and... uh... she's angry?
Solar Blade, who creates weird fire blade things on her hands and cuts people with them.
Swoop, who has... super speed or something, I'm not really sure. The comic never really makes it completely clear. It does show us he also likes to throw metal balls though.
Kid Mammoth, who appears to be a child horribly mutated into a Hulk-sized powerhouse who kills and destroys without discretion or understanding, a surprisingly dark turn for the comic.
War Bird, who uh... uses mechanical wings to fly. I thought this was supposed to be people who received super powers from energized blood, and yet this person doesn't seem to have any superpowers at all.
Finally, the leader of the team, Stealth One. Stealth One is a martial arts expert who also appears to have no super powers whatsoever, but does have an awesome costume. I admit, I actually picked this comic up out of the bargain bin because of how cool he looks.
(You may have noticed I didn't talk about their character traits or personalities, and that's because none of them have any.)
So, the team ignores the gunfire and clobbers the bad guys, escapes from the warehouse, all the while bickering like children and being extremely unlikeable. They exit to find that emergency personnel and camera teams from the local news station are outside. The team attempts to get by them without being bothered, but Stealth One is accosted by a police officer who says he knew the "blood stuff," would come to no good, presumably referring to that energized blood that gave (some of) the team super powers. Either this guy was largely unaffected by the dark age in America where a virulent blood disease ran rampant, or the writer just already forgot about that. Stealth One blows him off and heads on his way, with the rest of the team, back to the Blackbird (to return it before Professor X notices it's gone, presumably). Back at Headquarters, Stealth One (who we learn is actually named Stephen Choi, despite the fact that he does not appear to be of Asian descent) is called upon WITH A VENGEANCE by someone off panel.
 |
| as in "I ain't slept in days ya'll I'm fittin to be tied" |
This super serious yelling turns out to be from General Hampton, who is infuriated that the team was captured by camera crews (as if the public now knows everything about the team when all they saw was costumed dudes leaving a warehouse). This confrontation turns out to be completely non-consequential, as Stephen Choi basically tells the General "whatever, we're public now," and the General says, "yeah, guess so bro," and on the next page, boom, press conference, and the General is explaining what the Stealth Squad is to everyone publicly, even though they probably could have easily not done that if it was so important to the General that they stay a secret. Honestly, the news cameras only filmed a bunch of costumed fucks coming out of a building and leaving, and it probably would have been relatively simple for the government to weasel out of a public admission that they had a team of super heroes, if that was really what they wanted to do.
So, Strikeforce Champion has been placed under arrest and is being transported to prison after receiving their sentences. Apparently the police figured it would be best to transport all the convicts that made up a combat team at once, together. War Bird is monitoring the situation, but suddenly a disc flies into the scene and releases gas, which causes all the officers to cough and choke violently while having no effect at all on the members of Strikeforce Champion, despite the fact that they aren't wearing any breathing apparatuses. In fact, we learn that the gas unlocks their handcuffs, which I'm sure made a lot of sense in somebody's head. War Bird carries the officers coughing to safety, and then turns to see that Strikeforce Champion has received an upgrade from the armor they had a couple days ago, and gets her ass handed to her. She's almost beaten but then BOOM FULL PAGE SPREAD OF THE STEALTH SQUAD.
Jesus, I can't even tell who's supposed to be talking in this mess. Are they all saying "STEALTH SQUAD?" Because it looks like a god damn cloud is saying it. Who is saying the other things? Would it have really been that hard to draw the speech bubbles so I can tell who is talking? And why is Kid Mammoth a demon?
So, the Squad gets into a fight which is actually pretty suspenseful and intriguing, and for a moment, as a reader, I feel myself caring what happens, and start rooting for the Stealth Squad. Against all my expectations, they get their asses kicked and all of them are captured except the unconscious Stealth One. Why? YOU COULDN'T AT LEAST CHECK? YOU COULDN'T AT LEAST CHECK IF THEIR LEADER WAS DEAD? ARE YOU IN THAT MUCH A OF A GOD DAMN HURRY THAT YOU CAN'T CHECK IF THEIR LEADER IS DEAD?
The comic closes with "Stealth One to the rescue??? Nuff said!!" and beneath that, it names a Bible verse. II Corinthians, 12: 9-10. I took the liberty of looking that up to see how it relates to all this.
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Oh, it doesn't. Should have seen that coming.
So that's issue #1 of Stealth Squad, the biggest misnomer in the history of history. There's absolutely no reason for this team to be called Stealth Squad. They aren't stealthy, and the way they bicker like little kids, they are barely a fucking squad. On their very first mission they bust into a warehouse and then blow their way out, attracting the attention of everyone in the country, and the man who evidently organized the whole deal, General Hampton, comes out in a press conference right after and spills the beans on the whole damn thing. At the end of the comic they battle Strikeforce Champion a second time in the middle of the god damn street, while news crews capture everything. I get it, that's fine, they get to act like that, they are super heroes. I don't expect super heroes to be particularly stealthy normally, but doesn't being called Stealth Squad kind of imply your modus operandi involves some degree of stealth?
Stealth Squad is a very ambitious comic with a lot of neat ideas and concepts buried under piles of hackneyed writing and fairly bad art; there's just so much poor craftsmanship here, it reeks to high heaven. The worst part is, I really tried to like this book, just because of how cool Stealth One looks, but I just could not bring myself to do it... and... I... counted... forty-six... ellipses... in... this... twenty-five... page... comic. Rest assured, there are some treasures to be found in the bargain bin - and I will review some of those in the future - but you can pass this one up.
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